Hi … I know its been a while, frankly I am not certain how much longer I will maintain this blog. The truth is I am not really certain of much of anything anymore.
I have not been in a good place lately and I am really not happy about that, of course I am also at a loss as to how to get back to a good place or even what a good place looks like.
My faith…. or rather the realization that my faith is not faith but just a verbal assent to what I want to believe. The idea that somehow I am in control of conjuring up faith, the fact that true faith is a set of actions based on an internal surrender, and that righteousness can somehow purchase favor with God. In other words, you really can’t fake it till you make it.
Therefore I have decided not to call myself a “Christian” any longer… because I feel like every time I do makes me a liar.
If I want to be a Christian, I need to be willing to lay down me, myself and I, I would like to say that I would gladly follow Jesus anywhere and do anything in my identification with Him. As spiritual as that sounds I have never walked that way… Underneath it all my desires and my perceived needs have controlled my motivations.
My hope still rests in Jesus, I believe the bible is true and maybe Jesus isn’t done with me yet…. maybe he hasn’t even started.