I don’t know where to start, there is so much inside me and yet I am grappling with positive ways to get it out. I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the top of a mountain and yet if you placed me at the top of that mountain I would stare in muted silence unable to put into words, the things bottled up inside. I am pretty sure I am battling some kind of seasonal depression or some such thing and the angst I feel is a palpable weight I can feel but can’t take off. I spend time in quiet everyday asking for Jesus to help me and yet, the quietness remains so loud.
Maybe this is a what they mean by a mid-life crisis? The voices that taunt me with all the negativity are trying desperately to gain a foothold and overwhelm me. All the well-meaning family and friends pitching their clichés of “chin-up, This too shall pass, I will pray for you” et al often leave me feeling angry.
Every time I come to this Blog, I walk away again, because this is not the stuff I want to write… this is not the person I want to be… this is not the message I want to give.
I fear even writing this all out and knowing the comments that might come, Can I just say the last thing I need is medication, and I am not suicidal. What I am is a man… willing to look in the mirror and face my frailties, failures and shortcomings. I am willing to say I can’t control this life and I admit my need for a Savior. This season has been ruined by a world that by and large does not know Jesus, and we give him lip service in the hope that we will look good. We fill up the church buildings with all the pretty painted on facades while the inside is broken and crumbling and sin filled … but lets just pretend that we’re not.
And if everyone sees how dirty and broken we/I are/am… then who will be our/my friend?
God help me… God Help us all.