Hello Friends… I’m struggling, I’m probably not the only one.

I don’t know where to start, there is so much inside me and yet I am grappling with positive ways to get it out. I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the top of a mountain and yet if you placed me at the top of that mountain I would stare in muted silence unable to put into words, the things bottled up inside. I am pretty sure I am battling some kind of seasonal depression or some such thing and the angst I feel is a palpable weight I can feel but can’t take off. I spend time in quiet everyday asking for Jesus to help me and yet, the quietness remains so loud.

Maybe this is a what they mean by a mid-life crisis? The voices that taunt me with all the negativity are trying desperately to gain a foothold and overwhelm me. All the well-meaning family and friends pitching their clichés of “chin-up, This too shall pass, I will pray for you” et al often leave me feeling angry.

Every time I come to this Blog,  I walk away again, because this is not the stuff I want to write… this is not the person I want to be… this is not the message I want to give.

I fear even writing this all out and knowing the comments that might come, Can I just say the last thing I need is medication, and I am not suicidal. What I am is a man… willing to look in the mirror and face my frailties, failures and shortcomings. I am willing to say I can’t control this life and I admit my need for a Savior. This season has been ruined by a world that by and large does not know Jesus, and we give him lip service in the hope that we will look good. We fill up the church buildings with all the pretty painted on facades while the inside is broken and crumbling and sin filled … but lets just pretend that we’re not.

And if everyone sees how dirty and broken we/I are/am… then who will be our/my friend?


God help me… God Help us all.





About JT

I am a happily married man with 6 children and have an autoimmune disease. I hope to share my story and explore others' stories and perhaps together both of our lives will be enhanced.
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10 Responses to Hello Friends… I’m struggling, I’m probably not the only one.

  1. waynelaw says:

    I feel you brother-Lots of us are struggling-The only thing that makes me feel better is reaching out to make someone else feel better. It is the only thing that ever works. And I do not pretend to know the depth of your situation-I just want to say that you are not alone.

  2. genext13 says:

    This is called a ‘dark night of the soul.’ This is not about religion, it is about spirituality and coming to terms with your soul’s purpose. Push on and know you are not alone. Keep praying for guidance and keep asking for meaning. Wayne is right, you are not alone.

  3. I already had a temper tantrum this morning. I usually write my emotions, feelings and thoughts out and then put in the trash can. I hope you find what works BEST for YOU and YOUR NEEDS right now.

  4. Two voices. One vies for my attention, with its insistent nagging, unmistakable selfishness. The other, resoundingly aware, softly beckons me. Which do I hear?
    A pivotal moment indeed, as truth reveals my heart the very instant I think of me… or we, betraying whether I’m succumbed by greed and fear, or content.
    While witnessing devastation, dryness, within my ever shrinking world, I become so small, and the possibility of sight all but eliminated.
    However, just a whisper away, is a land of abundance where life giving waterfalls quench. A lightness in the air says,”welcome to all”. And the view… spectacular.
    Instantly transported back into my chair, I notice the teacher holding her pointer, still touching the word, ‘ harmony ‘ on the black board, and I think to myself… ahhh yes, this is what that feels like. * smiles*

  5. The uncertainty of future events brings with it an uneasiness of how it will effect me; fear is self preservation. When life pulls the rug from under me, why do I care so much about where I will land. When I hang on so dearly to the outcome of any given situation, what happens is… I get small and it gets bigger.
    Within the transitory nature of things there is infinite change. It can be debated that there are different levels of fear, however, there are not; fear is fear. Its the depth of my own experience, the smallness of my box, compelling me to analyze the seriousness of my pain, leading me to think its bigger… than it really is.
    Hindsight can be of benefit, when I’m able to see that in each and every situation, there was something for me to let go of, accept… love. Its a tuffy. But through perseverance, a desire of betterment, and God’s Hand hanging onto the other end of a thread I hang on to, I get to a place of peace in my own heart… where everything starts.

  6. And one last thing…

    The work has to start in our own heart, and there are no short cuts, to see what can only be seen from there.

    I wish you peace…

  7. Kate Cote says:

    John, thanks for being brave enough to be so transparent.

  8. My husband & I have been praying for you. I know you are not alone. I believe there are more Christians discouraged than ever before. We have been praying that God would send you someone *specific* to be your encourager. So many are fighting battles. We all need an encourager to cheer us on at times- so we can in turn be another person’s encourager!

  9. I cannot really comment on your inner struggles but I have learned a few things over the last few years about your statement, that “the season has been ruined by a world that by and large does not know Jesus.” Because of my own disgust with most of our annual “holiday festivities,” I researched Christmas for articles on my own blog and found that it has long been the iffiest Christian holiday. Be very careful of your assumption that at some point in the past we did it in a reverent manner.

    Christmas was not celebrated by the early Christians, and I didn’t find any mention of it during the first millenium. The first instance I know of was St. Francis presenting the first “living manger” scene during the late middle ages. The first large scale feast was thrown by Richard II. For weeks, the 1% gathered to feast on the 400 animals that were slaughtered, drink prodigious amounts of ale, and sing the first Christmas carols, which by and large were bawdy.

    In the New World, Christmas was forbidden by the Puritans, banned in Boston for 15 years. The New York City police force was formed after a Christmas riot in 1830. The 99% of those days would go on drunken rampages on Christmas to shake down the well to do in the mansion district. After that, the well to do met to discuss what to do with the holiday. They hired Thomas Nast, who came up with illustrations that formed our notion of Santa Claus, and along with Charles Dickens’ “Christmas Carol,” established the tradition of buying stuff. Even so, Christmas did not become a US national holiday until 1870.

    I know how much this is cheering you up, but Christmas is, and apparently always has been, a celebration that individuals and small communities can celebrate in a deeply meaningful and contemplative way, but in terms of the culture at large, there really does not seem to be any “good old days,” despite movies on the Hallmark Channel and the Currier & Ives prints which performed the same function during the Victorian era.

  10. Here’s something different for you. Jesus said we cannot serve two masters, for we will love the one and hate the other. I know which one I love and I have heard that part preached many times. Now I am working on a real good hate for the Devil. I hear some passion in you, brother. Maybe it may be frustrating and confusing, but at least there is some fire in there somewhere. Don’t be afraid of righteous anger. Don’t be afraid to hate the devil and find motivation in that. (My opinion anyway.) Sometimes a cowboy just needs to take a whip and clean house! Many may not understand, but the devil will take note.

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