First let’s establish that I am a dog… more specifically I am a “Brussels Griffon” male, (well more on that later) 12 pound, wiry haired, 1-year-old, 4 legger. Ya, go ahead and laugh at me here wearing the “Cone of Shame”. This 2 legger picks me up lasso’s me with a leash takes me for a car ride and brings me in to this place that smells worse than what I leave on the lawn, next thing I know, I get this sharp poke and I wake up looking like a mascot for the “Dish Network” and realizing I’m not half the male I used to be.
They say I am fixed now… funny it feels more like I’m broken!
Have you ever heard the term “it’s a dog’s life”? Let me tell you what a dog’s life is really like. Sure we are “Man’s best friend” (or Woman’s), but at what cost.
First if I had thumbs, I would let myself out to take care of business, seeing that you let me out I feel compelled to retrieve the paper for you but it would be nice if you would return the favor in kind by giving me a treat to remove the horrible ink aftertaste I have to deal with! I know you think I have nothing better to do than chase after the sticks you throw and then look at me with that animated expression and verbal exclamation “fetch the stick Boy”. Please do you really think I enjoy this repetitious gallivanting all over the backyard. I am dressed in a fur coat and it’s 90 degrees out, and my tail isn’t going 80 miles an hour because I want you to know this is the best thing since “Beggin Strips“, it’s the only source of cooling I can come up with without those darn thumbs!
What I loathe more than anything is when you have company over. As soon as I see a conglomeration of strange 2 legger’s entering the domain I cringe knowing what’s coming next as you begin boasting about how smart I am, and the ensuing humiliation as you call me out from wherever I was hiding hoping to avoid what inevitably comes next. “Ok Maddox lay down, roll over, sit up, beg, play dead, give me your paw!” Good grief … and of course feeling sorry for you I go through the whole embarrassing charade because after all you are stuck with the whole 2 legged thing and the fact that without thumbs I can’t get into the darn food cabinet.
Anyway, don’t go off on me, telling me how great my life is and how thankful I should be, especially in light of all the competition facing me from the rabbit the birds and who knows what else you’ll drag in next week.! Now if you will excuse me I am way over due for my nap.