I see her there, fingers so small and delicate, a baby doll would be easier to hold. Her little eye lashes create a microscopic whisper unheard by human ears. Soft, pink skin, almost too big for her peeks out from various openings in the cloth wrap and I immediately want to wrap her tightly in my arms, and yet in the same breath fear if I move too quickly she could be permanently marred.
There he is…my son! Though he has never heard me audibly say it, he fills me with joy! The angels announced with exceeding ostentation his arrival so many years ago and even now the memory returns a smile to my lips. Now, he never hears me but I still talk to him every day. I watch as he struggles, the persistence I gave him and meant to be an asset, willfully turned, impeding rather than helping.
Oh, how beautiful, how perfect, untouched by the ills of this world. The temptation is overwhelming to wrap her in a plastic bubble, sealing her off from all danger, all disease. At the same time wanting to dance , to parade her down the street, to display her from the rooftops! No one but God can understand this miracle.
I will entrust him with precious things, placing gifts in his life on a whim, a whisper of my love, no matter whether there is gratitude or not. I won’t hold it against him if he chooses another path, yet I will look always for his return, my arms open, waiting. I have given up everything for him, holding nothing back. my desire is for his desire, my thoughts without limit towards him.
Imagine…a brand new life, the days stretching out beyond the horizon. The chances to show my love, the times we share, silly and soulful, the moments when we learn to say I love you while not saying anything at all. I want to give you the world dear daughter, and I am so unsure I will do it right, not wanting to hem you in and yet ….how can I hold you and let you go at the same time.
So much I hope for you my son, for a future, to carry my name proudly and with dignity. To pour yourself out for others. To learn from me and walk in my ways, that it would go well with you. Every good and perfect gift is for you, you are a delight to me, you will be my son and I will be your …
Someday you will walk on your own, you will dress yourself, I will try to grow with you, I will try to see it from your perspective, I will try not to cry when you go. My love won’t ever stop, You will think I don’t understand, You will be pushing back, looking for your own space and though we will disagree you will be my daughter and I will be your …